Second Dance
by Rach4
Summary: Sam reflects on the day's earlier events. 1st person POV


Title: 'Second Dance' 

Author: Rach

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places belong to MGM, World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret productions.  This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.  Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author.  Any similarity to real people, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  The Songs in this story don't belong to me either.  'Love of My Life' belongs to Jim Brickman with Michael W. Smith.  'Hopelessly Addicted' belongs to The Corrs.  No infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended

Archive: Sam and Jack Archive, and Heliopolis.  All others please ask.

Summary: Sam reflects on the day's earlier events…  1st person point of view

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Very minor for 'Broca Divide'

Classification: Angst, Sam and Jack romance, Kiss Challenge Response

Required Reading: 'First Dance'

Feedback: Need you ask.  Feedback is always appreciated

Authors Notes: Well here it is, my response to the Kiss Challenge issued by Ness.  I know it took forever, but I had to be inspired.  This story is strictly from Sam's POV since 'First Dance' was from Jack's.  

Dedication:  The gold star of the day to my beta reader Wendy, who I wouldn't know what to do with out.  And of course to Shipper, Kaila, and Michmell who are wonderful sounding boards and keepers of my sanity.  Love you!  And especially to Ang, who was converted to this list by these stories, thanks for the support and here is the new copy of your favorite story. ::hugs::

~  indicates song lyrics

x~x~x~x~x~x~x

Copyright Rachelle Grubbs  April 1999

x~x~x~x~x~x~x

I walk into my apartment and throw my mail on the table with a frustrated sigh.  I was so caught up in my thoughts that I failed to realize I'd left my keys in the door and that the door hadn't closed all the way.

I walk down the hall to the bedroom and quickly chang clothes, putting on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.  All I want is to not be reminded of work and especially not to have to think about Jack O'Neill.

I sigh as I walked back into the living room.  'What the hell happened?' I ask myself.  Three days ago, at the 'request' of General Hammond everyone had attended the Air Force Ball.  I had had a good time and everything seemed to be as it should have been.  Then it happened.  He had asked me to dance, and unable to formulate any kind of coherent thoughts, I had accepted.

'What was I thinking?' I think to myself. 

'You weren't thinking, that was the problem.' my brain tells me, as I flop down on the couch.  I close my eyes and my mind drifts back to that dance.  I remember the feeling I got as he held me, the way we seemed to fit perfectly together, the feel of his fingers wrapped around my own.  I had felt so safe.  Everything else disappeared.

'Stop it, Sam,' my brain admonished me, 'he's your CO, and he's got a wife.'

"I know he's my CO and their estranged." I say out loud as I get up off the couch.

Desperate to get my thoughts off of Jack O'Neill I walk over and pick up my mail.  There are a few bills and a package from my sister-in-law.  I open the package and find a note and a CD.  I quickly read the letter.  Kaitlyn was working on a 'project', didn't say what it was, but wants me to listen to three tracks and let her know what I think.  

Curious, I walk over to the stereo and turn it on.  The end of a song from the local station comes on.

~ Hopelessly addicted

   Helplessly attracted

   Chemically reacted

   Naturally we acted

"Well that's enough of that." I say quickly, switching the CD player on, putting the CD in and pressing play.  Grabbing the letter and stereo remote I drop back onto the couch as the day's earlier events come back to me.

The day had started like any other.  SG-1 wasn't due to go on any missions for another five days but we all had paper work due.  I had finished with my work and was in the infirmary talking with Janet.

Janet had brought up the subject of the Ball and once again pushed for information.  Now if she wasn't one of my best friends I would never put up with the harassment I get, but she's only doing what she thinks is best for me.  And she happens to think, God help me, that what's best is resolving my feeling regarding Jack.  I know she understands it's against regulations, but when she says it, it's almost like she knows something I don't.

Anyway I had quickly excused myself from this conversation, claiming forgotten paperwork.  She laughed and let me go.  I headed to the locker room to get my things to go home.  Opening my locker I grabbed my keys and turned to leave.

Straddling the other bench was, you guessed it, Jack O'Neill.  Looking miserable, with his head down in his hands, completely unaware of the fact that I was even there.

I should have just kept going.

"Sir." I said instead

His head raised sharply.  "Carter." he said.

"Are you O.k.?" I asked.

He is silent for a long time, before he pats the bench next to him.  

"Sit for a minute." he asked.

I did as I was asked, even though my brain was screaming at me to just leave.  I really should have listened.

I attempt to keep my distance, fully aware of what having him in close proximity does to my senses.  I asked again "You OK?"

He closed the distance between us, placing his arm over my shoulder to keep me from moving again.  The contact sent my brain into a fit. It was a desperately trying to stay focused and hold on to my common sense, while I was attempting to control my breathing.

"Sam." he whispered.

I nearly jumped at the sound of my own name.

"Yes." I answerd.

The next thing that happened cought me completely off guard.  I never would have expected it in a million years. 

He kissed me.

He leaned in slowly, giving my plenty of time to move away or object, and my mind was screaming objections as loud as it could, but I didn't listen.  In fact I leaned toward him.  The contact was electric.  His lips lightly brushed over mine, almost tentatively.  Knowing he was waiting to see what I would do, I moved my hand up to his face and brought his lips back to mine.  

That was it.

I was lost.

Disengage brain, engage hormones.

What was I thinking!

~ Naturally we acted ~ the lyrics came back to me.  

Yeah that was it.

The kiss was slow and gentle for the longest time.  It was our first after all; well, first that wasn't caused because of an alien virus anyway.  Then the tentative exploration ended.  His hand moved to the side of my face and I allowed him to deepen the kiss.  It's full of years of repressed passion and desire, and it's on both sides of the kiss.

But nothing lasts forever.  For some reason, I didn't stick around to find out why, Daniel came flying into the locker room, making enough noise to raise the dead.

"Oh God!" he stammered and we flew apart.  "I'm sorry." he said as his face got very red. 

Suddenly my brain took control again and the realization of what just happened set in.  I didn't say a word, just grabbed my keys and left.

I never should have let it happen.  He's my CO.  No matter how badly I may want him that will always be in the way.  That and Sara.

I'm broken out of my thoughts by my name.  I let out a yell as I fly off the couch to see Jack standing in my living room.

"You scared the hell out of me!  How did you get in here!"  I yell, my heart racing.

I am been basically sitting in the dark, except for a few candles, but I can make out the expression on his face.  And right now it's not the expression I want to see.

"Well first your keys were in the door and second the door was halfway open.  I knocked but you didn't answer.  I got worried." He finishes quietly.

"I'm fine." I say as I walk over and take my keys from him.  Throwing them on the table I go to stand in front of the window, keeping my back to him.  He apparently doesn't get the hint that I don't want to talk.  He crosses the room and places his hands on my arms.

"Sam we need to talk." he says.  "We need to talk about what happened.  Please Sam."

I turn to face him, forgetting just how close he has stepped behind me.  We're so close only a few centimeters between us.  I force myself not to look at his face.  It would be too easy to just lean in and kiss him if I did that.

His hands slip down my arms and come to rest on my waist.  He slips his arms around me and closes the distance between us, just as a new song starts on the CD.

~ I am amazed

   When I look at you

   I see you smiling back at me

   It's like all my dreams come true

I raise my head up and look at him, my mind once again screaming at me to somehow get out of this.  Almost as if sensing my attempt to run, he tightens his arms.

~ I am afraid

   If I lost you girl

   I'd fall through the cracks

   And lose my track in this crazy lonely world

"Sir." I plead, desperately trying to get out of this.

"Jack," he gently corrects me, "and don't think right now Sam.  Just dance with me." he whispers.

And I make the mistake of looking into his eyes.  In his eyes I see everything that I'm sure are in mine, and I'm certain he's fighting the same battle in his head.  The battle in which common sense says we can't and shouldn't be doing this and our hearts which are basically telling our common sense to stuff it.  My heart wins

~ Sometime it's so hard to believe

   When the nights can be so long

   And faith gave me the strength 

   And kept me going on

I slide my arms around his neck, and he rests his forehead against mine.  It's almost as if we're afraid to break eye contact.  That if we did the other would disappear.

~ You are the love of my life

   And I'm so glad I found you

   You are the love of my life

   Baby put your arms around me

   I guess this is how it feels

   When you finally find something real

   My angel in the night

   You are my love

    The love of my life

'Well maybe that doesn't apply.  'At least not yet' I think to myself.  I move my head back slightly to look at him fully, but never break eye contact.  One of his hands rests lightly on my lower back the other absentmindedly moving up and down my spine.  I smile gently and he returns the smile.

~ Now here you are

   With midnight closing in

   You take my hand as our shadows dance

   With moonlight on your skin

And then he does it, for the second time that day, he leans down and kisses me and I don't objet.  Again.  The kiss is slow and gentle.  This time it's me who deepens the kiss, and he allows my tongue to slip past his lips to dance with his own.

~ I look in your eyes

   I'm lost inside your kiss

   I think if I'd never met you

   About all the things I'd miss

Well I'm definitely lost.  The kiss is wrecking havoc on my senses.  That and the fact that one of his hands just slipped under my shirt.  His hand is cool against my back and the sensation is driving my crazy.  This kiss is getting more intense by the second and we are already far inside dangerous ground.  But right now I don't care.

~ Sometimes it's so hard to believe

   When a love can be so strong

   And faith gave me the strength

   And kept me holding on

My mind attempts to rationalize all the bad things that can come from this.  Court-martial, my transfer off the project, splitting up the team.  But all the objections are being drowned out by how good it feels to do this.  And it's not like I started it, I tell myself.  A loud and irritating noise breaks into my thoughts and it takes me several seconds to figure out what it is.  

"Uhhhh." I groan. Someone better be dead or nothing is going to save whoever that is.

"Let it ring." he tells me breaking the kiss and moving down to my neck.  

God that feels good.  

"It's driving me crazy," I tell him, and it's not the only thing, "and the machine's broken." I maneuver us both over to the phone and with very little restraint I answer it.

"Hello!" I growl at the person.  

 If it's a salesman no one in the world will be able to save him.

"Sam?" a familiar voice asks.

"Kaitlyn!" I say, surprised to hear from her.  Jack moves to stand behind me, arms still wrapped around my waist.  I attempt to focus on what Kaitlyn is saying, but he is so distracting.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asks.

"Actually…" I gasp and restrain the moan that threatens to escape.  'Oh you'll pay for that one' I silently threaten him.

"Sam! Sam!" Kaitlyn says, and I can tell she's trying not to laugh.

"I'll call you tomorrow." I tell her and hang up the phone.  That instant is all my brain needs to regain control.

In an instant everything is clear again and I can't believe I just let that happen. 

'Let it happen again.' My brain chides me.  I disentangle myself from him and quickly cross to the other side of the room.  I know he's surprised and confused by my actions, but no more surprised that I have been by his.

"Sam?" he asks quietly.

I don't answer.  I don't know how.  I can't believe I just did that.  This is what happens when you don't listen to your brain.  You kiss your CO.  I wonder if I'll ever learn.

"Sam?" he says again closer this time.  I know he's expecting an explanation.  I wish I had one to give him, but I don't.  At least not one I'm willing to voice.

"Sam." he says again as he reaches me. 

 I still refuse to face him, I can't.  

"What just happened?" he asks confusion and concern evident in his voice. 

 He's probably concerned that he crossed a line he shouldn't have.  And maybe he did, maybe this shouldn't have happened, maybe….

"What are you afraid of?" he asks.

Whoa, that's a loaded question and never did I expect him to actually ask it.  Never in a million years.  Where do I start?

'Sara.' my brain says.  

'Not in this lifetime.' I tell it.

I know he's waiting for my answer and instead of being honest I turn on the sarcasim.  I turn to face him.  "Oh well let's see.  Court-martial, maybe."  

I can see in his eyes he knows I'm lying. He takes a step toward me and I take a step back, straight into the wall.

"That won't happen, and don't lie to me." he tells me.

I stand there facing him, only a few inches between us, unable to figure out what to do now.  He knows there is something else bothering me, and I'm not going anywhere any time soon.  So I just stand here and look at him, trying to formulate a response.  He slowly reaches out and takes each of my hands in his.   My entire body tenses at his touch, I close my eyes and draw in a sharp breath.  

"Sam talk to me." He says gently.

I slowly open my eyes.

"You really want to know what I'm afraid of?"  I ask.

"Yes, I do." he tells me, and I can see in his eyes that he does.

'It's now or never' I tell myself.  I take a deep breath and slowly let it out.  His thumbs are gently stroking the back of my hands, in what I know is an attempt to comfort me, but it's now helping.  Right now I'm so scared I'm trembling.

I can't do this with him standing so close.  I can barely think right now, and I need to be clear headed.  I gently try to pull away, and he resists.

"Please sit." I ask, and I hear my voice shake slightly.

Silently he lets go of my hands and walks the few steps to the couch and sits down.  I follow and for a few minutes nervously pace in front of him, debating whether or not I actually can do this. Finally I stop pacing and stand facing him.  He patiently watches me, waiting for me to explain.

There are a hundred thoughts flying around all at once.  So I pick one and hope I end up where I want.

"If we do this," I start, "I'm putting a lot at risk.  My job, my position, my career. If someone finds out, I'll be the one court-martialed, and I'll be the one removed from the project."  

He looks as if he's going to object, but I give him a look that says let me finish and he stays silent.  

"Look at the recent news, Jack.  The one with the most at risk is me.  But that's not what I'm most afraid of."  I stop unsure if I should continue.

"Sam." he whispers.

'Just get it over with' my brain tells me.  'It will be ok.'  I send up a silent prayer to whoever may be listening before I continue, with a shaking voice.

"My biggest fear is not of the consequences of pursuing this.  My fear is that you'll wake up one morning and decided that this was a big mistake." I drop my voice to barely above a whisper "and that you'll go back to her." I finish and lower my head not wanting to see the look on his face.  I bite my lower lip as I wait for him to say something.

The room is deathly silent for what seems like an eternity.  I hear him shift on the couch and then feel his hands on mine.  I slowly raise my head to look at him.  Still he says nothing just gently pulls me forward and sits me down next to him.  Not letting go of my hands he starts to talk. 

"That's what you afraid of, Sam?  Your afraid I'd leave you for Sara?"  He asks.

I silently nod my head.

"Oh Sam." he says. "I will always love Sara.  She was my wife and she gave me Charlie, but I'm not in love with her anymore.  I…I don't think I have been for a long time.  Sam, after Charlie died I shut down.  I didn't let anyone get close because I was terrified I would lose them too." 

He stops and I can see the myriad of emotions in his eyes.  He smiles and continues. "Then you walked into my life, and I started to feel again.  I tried to keep you at arms length because I convinced myself I couldn't have you.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."  

He stops again and I'm finally able to find my voice.

"What changed?" I ask.

He looks at me and smiles. 

"I danced with you." Is his answer.

I smile and laugh softly, again remembering that dance.  He lets go of one of my hands and moves it up to caress my cheek.

"Sam I'm ready to take that risk now.  I've lost too much and seen to many people live their lives with a million regrets.  I don't want to live my life wondering 'what if'.  What if I had taken the chance.  What if I had let myself love you.  Sam I want to take that chance and I want to let myself love you.  Are you ready and willing to take that risk?" he asks.

I sit very quietly as I take in everything I just heard.  I feel my eyes close and my head drop.  I'm not sure I'm even breathing right now.  His hand slips down under my chin and raises my head.  

"Sam?" he asks.  

I can feel his hand shaking. I open my eyes and smile.

"Yes.  Yes, I'm ready." I tell him and I am.  I hear no objections being screamed at me from my head.  I know this is right and everything that is to come, good and bad, will be handled together.  He lets out the breath I hadn't realized he was holding.  I see the fear leave his eyes as he leans in and kisses me.

No objections again, and I realize this is the first time he's kissed me when I'm not focusing on anything else.  I'm not fighting any battles with my common sense or being driven by some strange virus.  I'm just concentrating on this kiss and it feels wonderful.

Finally both in desperate need of air, we break apart.  He leans back against the couch and pulls me with him, wrapping me safely in his arms.  He kisses my forehead.  I raise my head up and smile before placing a quick and gentle kiss on his lips, then settle my head on his shoulder.  I lay there perfectly content wrapped in his arms.  I have never felt so safe and loved.  I feel myself begin to drift off.  He reaches up and pulls the blanket off of back of the couch, and wraps us in it.

"I wasn't cold." I tell him.

"I thought you were asleep." he whispers.

"Almost." I sigh contentedly with a small smile, and snuggle a little closer.

One of his hands comes up to stroke my hair and he places another kiss on my head.

"I love you Samantha Carter." He whispers.

I look up at him and whisper back "I love you to Jonathan O'Neill." 

He smiles and kisses me again.  When we come up for air again he smiles and says with a slight commanding tone, "Go to sleep." 

"Yes sir." I whisper back.

'Guess today wasn't as bad as I thought.' I think as I listen to his gentle breathing as we both drift off to sleep.

End


End file.
